Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
