I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
