last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
