That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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