as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
