I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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