Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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