there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
