now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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