Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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