the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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