Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
