i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
