I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
