listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
