Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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