i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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