she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ketchup is God's man juice
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i've created a new STD.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I did not marry a roomba.
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