I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
