She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
