drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
