so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
