you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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