Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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