im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
