bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
