happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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