I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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