dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
