yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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