Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he puts the penis in happiness.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize