puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
