He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
