Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
