she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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