You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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