The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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