I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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