its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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