I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The ass gains better be worth it
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
