***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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