So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
