mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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