Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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