She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I could make wine with my vomit
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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