i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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