Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
