Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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