I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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