took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Houston, we have a blender
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
