I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
