She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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