why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize