saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
