Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize