you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
