Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
