Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
