This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
